Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Difficult Situations

A few weeks ago my best friend and her husband found out they had lost their baby when they went for their second routine ultrasound.  The doctor wasn't able to find a heart beat.

I got a text from her cancelling a planned catch up for the weekend, letting me know what had happened and telling me she'd call soon.  I replied saying I was here if she needed a shoulder, someone to talk to or someone to take her mind off things. 

Such terrible news :(

I hadn't heard from her a week and a half later so I thought I might go and drop flowers off at her place.  I would have had them delivered but they are living with her parents at the moment while their new home is being built and I couldn't remember the street number.  I dropped them off and messaged her to let her know I'd left them outside the gate.  I didn't want to encroach if she wasn't ready to talk but I wanted to let her know I was thinking of her.

She replied that they had been at the doctors but had still not got any answers about what had gone wrong and wasn't up for a chat yet. 

That was a week and a half ago.

So my question is, what do I do now?  I want to text her again to see how she is going, obviously really not good I know, but still.  I want to be there for my friend.  But I don't want to bother her if she is not ready.  I've never been pregnant and I can't even begin to imagine how she is feeling right now.

From my own experience, talking about my illness was a pretty hard thing at first.  I only told very few people and it was very stressful and difficult.  That sort of news can change a relationship, particularly if a person doesn't respond in an expected way, it can feel quite hurtful when you don't receive the support you need at a time like that from a trusted friend.  I know an illness is nothing at all in comparison to the grief of losing a baby but it can certainly be just at relationship changing.  My point is, sometimes it's easier to talk about things when someone else brings it up.

Yes?  No?  Thoughts?



Michelle said...

That is so sad Im so sorry for your friends loss. I think your friend will come to you when she is ready, youve done all you can by letting her know you are there for her xx

2paw said...

Such a terrible thing, they must be so sad. I don't know what to say. Making yourself available, keeping in touch- that sounds like a good plan. Everyone is different and responds in different ways. You want to be there, but not to interfere or be a bother. Sending a text sounds like a great idea. Then she knows you are thinking of her and can catch up with you if she wants. You are a very kind friend.

Bron said...

That is very tough ....you will find ways to let them know you are there are care deeply....grief is so different for us all....good for you being such a caring friend xxxx

Margret said...

Such a tough one. I'm sure she's touched that you dropped off flowers. I think you've done all you can until she is ready.

Sally said...

First up I think losing your liver is in the same ball park as losing a baby. Both are life changing.

I don't know what advice to offer really. Just keep sending her love - flowers are good, a cooked meal is good, crocheting or sewing something is good, a hair conditioning sachet is good. Little things. Things for her.

I'm not sure if I have already told you this but when I was pregnant with E a colleague at work was also pregnant with exactly the same due date. She learnt at 19wk scan that the baby didn't have all its vital organs and was induced, the baby dying pretty much immediately after delivery. She returned to work after her mat leave and I was still there - very very obviously pregnant. It was hard. I wasn't sure what to do because I suspected that my presence was a painful reminder of what might have been. In the end I just approached her, told her how devastated I was for her, asked her if I made her feel uncomfortable ... and she said that she was ok and in fact she thanked me for talking so openly with her about it because everyone else was walking on egg shells pretending it had never happened.

Now she'd had weeks before she came back to work and lots of counselling. We're all different. I know I find it hard to talk about things as they're actually happening but a bit down the track , after I've sorted it in my own mind, can let other people in. Of course there are some people out there that are just so raw and open right there and then.

What I do know is that you're a good friend and she knows that. Your relationship won't be ruined.

kathy b said...

Keep the door open without forcing it open. I think you have made kind and lovely gestures. She just may be too grief stricken to talk yet.
Everyone responds so differently.