"I'll just..."

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Perhaps the most rampant aspect of my inner five year old self is the "I'll just..." part.  As in the I'll just do anything at all that keeps me out of bed for one more minute.

We all have our bedtime routines.  Mine involves fill up water bottle, turn out lights and check locks, take off makeup (if I haven't already), floss (if I can be bothered), brush teeth, go to toilet, go get the Meow, get in bed, have a drink, put on lip balm, set alarm if needed, have cuddles with Meow, turn out lights and if MR is home, talk his ear off for as long as he will let me.

Some of the other things I'll just do before going to bed (usually when MR is not at home) on a very regular basis include:
- playing with hairstyle options in front of the mirror
- tweezing my eyebrows
- checking facebook, instagram and the weather on my phone
- playing words with friends
- looking at pinterest on my phone
- reading just one more chapter of my book, which undoubtedly will turn into another 100 pages
- going to find the Meow (who has crazily run off to go back outside to sit on her favourite chair in the freezing cold) for some more cuddles
- after all of the above, go to the toilet - again
- anything else I can think of to procrastinate with

No matter how tired I am, I will still do these things.  I just have this intrinsic urge to rebel against all going to bed type actions.

The Meow has no such rebellious behaviour in regards to going to bed type actions

Admittedly, of late my sleep patterns have gotten slightly better.  I'm going to bed a bit earlier (most nights) and while I've had a few nights this week of lying awake for hours once in bed, those sort of nights are on a decline.  Thank fuck.  It's been hard work getting this far though and by going to bed earlier I mean instead of 1am it's more like 11.45pm.  11 if I'm really, really, really tired. 


Last night, while procrastinating from sleeping and thinking of this blog post I thought, I'll just pop on blogger on my phone and type in a few notes.



The Gods are one day going to smite me one day with a child just like me aren't they?

 

Bounciness and first impresssions

via

Ever since I can remember I have had slightly erratic emotions.  I call them bouncy.  They are a bit all over the place.  One moment they are up and the next they are down.  I'm sure this is not a strange thing for many of you to read about.  In fact I'm sure it's actually more common than everyone thinks.

It's funny how we put on a facade.  The private you and the public you can be such very very different people.  I recently found out a girl I know (and would like to become good friends with but haven't quite got there yet (in the three years since I met her...)) is having some issues with depression and has done on and off since high school.  I met her at MR's 21st.  She is the girlfriend of one of his friends and we had a drunkenly awesome time together and really hit it off.  Anyhow, I wasn't sure if she would want to be 'friends-friends' with someone like me or not so I never really pushed it too much.  She is one of the bubbliest and friendliest, outgoing-est types of people I have ever met.  Like full on.  Which is great for me really, I like those sort of people because when I hang with people like me sometimes the conversation gets a bit stuck and I feel all anxious.  Apparently however, this is all her facade.  I was amazed.  She is awesome, really, I am in awe of her.  But MR was chatting with her boyfriend and it turns out she is actually a lot like me, just with a much more amped up facade than mine.

First impressions are essentially defunct, especially if you are meeting people who are any good at putting on a show.  That person you think is super bubbly may be really quiet without that glass of dutch courage in their hand.  And that person who you think is a bit of a snob may just be really shy and not have great small talk skills. And yet we all still judge people on our first meetings and often don't give them a second chance.

An old uni friend told me at her wedding a few years ago that she had seated a cousin of hers next to me because she knew I'd be good at chatting to her and making her feel comfortable.  I felt like snorting.  I'm sure I raised an eyebrow and looked at her in 'wtf' expression.  Me? Good at chatting? Hell no.  But then I realised she knew me enough to see past my social anxiety and see that when I see people like me feeling all awkward and shy I do try to get past my own issues and attempt put them at ease by trying to chat to them and include them in conversation.  Because I know how it feels.
 
So I'm trying to make an unlike me effort and put myself out there and invite her out to do something, completely out of the blue.  I'm a bit nervous.  Isn't it ridiculous how hard it is to make friends as an adult?  Or is that just me?  One of my main goals in moving back to Perth at the end of 2010 was to make more friends because at the time I had a grand total of two proper friends, and one of them was MR.  I have a few more now because I have been putting myself out there, doing things like starting up a Brown Owls group with Sarah, where I have met a few very lovely ladies, and starting a new job last year, although it's been hard being off work for 7 months to keep up with everything with those girls, and I've met someone who is probably the closest person I'm ever going to find who has been through something similar to me.  I had a liver transplant because of leukaemia and she has lymphoma because of a liver transplant (the immunosuppressant drugs).  In fact she has had two liver transplants and is going through her second lot of lymphoma.  And she's two years younger than me.  You think I've had it hard! It is nice to have someone close in age who understands what it's like though.  

I've come a long way in the last year and a half.  I used to break down in tears at the thought of going out and having to socialise where I used to live.  There were no 'me type people', or if there were, they were in the 'mummy group' which was out of bounds for non mummies. It's amazing what a bit of sheer determination to turn something around can do.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.  And I apologise for the sheer volume of dribble, it is 3.30am and I've been up since 4.40am because I took MR to the airport.  Procrastination, plain and simple.  I hate going to bed the first night home alone.


  
ps. Did you totally love those bouncers (in the image) as a child? God, they were awesome! I keep trying to use the kindy kids ones at school but I am just a tad too big for them.  I need an adult sized one.  Maybe we could put handles on pilates blow up fit balls? New trend? Anyone with me??

It's 2am...

 
... and I'm making mini crustless quiches.  Of course I am!!

excuse the glarey flash photo - it is 2am after all!

I roasted the pumpkin earlier and was going to put them together tomorrow for when Sally and Sarah come over for a sewing day and lunch, but I exercised again today and I'm not tired. Even after getting up at 9.45. *sigh*

So instead, I started putting the quiches together.  Roast pumpkin, leek, english spinach, cherry tomato, spring onion and parmesan.  All I need to do tomorrow is whip up the egg mix and pour it over them, dollop on a bit of ricotta and bang them in the oven.  Lovely lunch ahead!

Goal change

 
So, I'm giving up (for now) on the recording and aiming of being in bed by 11pm.  It's just Really Not Working.  And that really is the understatement of the year.  I was getting so annoying at myself for not being tired on time even when I'm getting up a bit earlier and doing exercise to help wear me out.  Unfortunately, the exercise is just giving me more energy! Argh!

So,  the focus has changed.  Instead of stressing about not getting to bed on time, I am going to focus on getting up before 10 every day.  Once I can get up before 10 for more than a week, I am going to try getting up before 9.30 and so on until I get to somewhere between 8.30 and 9.  Along with that I am going to focus on doing regular exercise.  As I said a few posts ago, I have done 3 lots of exercise a week for two weeks now, a big deal for super slack me, so I am going to keep that up.  I went for a walk today as my first lot of exercise for the third week.  I managed to jog for 100m or so, my longest stretch of jogging ever (since transplant).  I was proud.  Much more positive goal.  And I'm much more certain I can achieve this goal and so MR is very kindly letting me out of my bed by 11 (although, I'll still try that when he is home - much easier to go to bed earlier when he is in bed waiting for me!) and instead, if I manage 3 lots of exercise a week for a month then he will treat me to a spa pedicure.  To be honest, he is entirely wonderful and he did say he would just send me to get one anyhow, but I really want to feel like I've earnt it.  (Being poor really sucks.  I feel like I am back in uni!!) And being a total Star Chart/Reward type of girl, well, this will work for me and make me not feel like a total freeloader.  And even if my sleeping is shit at least the rest of my body is getting healthier and fit.  And hopefulllllllly, all that exercise combined with the earlier mornings will just get me heading to bed earlier without stressing over it.

So here's to the new me driven by exercise.  I'm even toying up with the idea of whether or not I would be ready to start back with netball?  Maybe just a quarter per game... too soon?  Probably.  I'm thinking I might be a bit too scared of elbows and balls to the tummy yet.  But it would be a nice way to meet new people and make some more friends!  Perhaps next season..

This is me.

I may have posted this before.  But it is just so relevant at the moment (I refound it going through and sorting out my photos) that I just had to post it (possibly again).

Take out 'party' and add 'craft/blog/read/tidy/watch tv'

I've been trying to get up earlier, most days I am up before 10 now instead of rolling out of bed somewhere around 11 - 12.  I am tired, but then I start to wake up in the evening and then I am not tired and the cycle repeats and this little cartoon illustrates it Exactly.

I've even been doing exercise in an attempt to 1) tire me out and 2) get fit.  Last week I went for a walk, went to the gym and went to yoga.  I was so proud of myself!  So far this week I have done the same again and I'm hoping to encourage myself to go for another walk tomorrow.  This would probably be the first time ever in my life that I have done exercise 3 times in a week for two weeks in a row.  In fact, this is probably the first time in my life I have done exercise 3 times in a week period.  I am le slack but I am trying so hard to turn it all around.  The exercise has only given me more energy in the mornings to stay up until truly ridiculous hours. 

I'm sure it will turn around soon, it is just frustrating.  I am frustrating myself by my bad habits.

Habits are so hard to break!

 

I'm Completely Failing

... at this going to bed early business.  Twice in the last three and a half weeks, dreadful!! I really thought I would have made it tonight because I didn't go to bed til 2am last night and then had to get up at 6.30 to go and help my Dad out by running a scarf stall with my sister at one event for his Cambodia School Project while he was off at another event helping out with a sausage sizzle.  But unfortunately I accidentally fell asleep at 6.30pm, only to be woken up at 8 by a phone call and now I'm wide awake.  So annoying! 

I have been doing mindfulness meditations before bed to calm my mind and that is (generally) helping me to get to sleep a little bit quicker but if I get into bed before I am tired I just lie there with a churning brain and fidgety body no matter what I try. 

I've decided that my first 'reward' from my $5 IBLO (In Bed Lights Out) earnings is going to be a spa pedicure.  I do love me a pedicure and pretty feet always make me feel a bit nice, but it is a bit decadent so has been cut out of the budget of late.  That means I need another 6 nights of going to bed on time to get there. 

Any tips? Maybe I need to revisit the sleeping pills for a few days?