Friday, 22 June 2012
I've never really been a particularly big risk taker. I don't really like doing potentially dangerous or painful stuff and anything that is likely to scare me is just out of the question. But there's always been the option of doing it if I so changed my mind and decided to.
Similarly, I never quite got around to traveling the world, living and working overseas or doing anything like that either. I did a fair bit of travel as a child but as an adult, I haven't been overseas by myself or with a friend, only with my dad and sister. Saving is not my forte.
I am however, quite good at daydreaming and making plans. Wild, crazy plans that don't ever really come into fruition. Or even just big plans, that aren't really wild or crazy, just involve a lot of work. It's the procrastinator in me.
There's always the thought of 'one day'.
When I was in high school it was 'One day I'll be a famous fashion designer or a famous author.'
When I was at uni it was 'One day I'll save up and go and work overseas for a couple of years.'
When I started work it was 'One day I'll save lots of money and build a nice home.' and 'One day I'll go on a big overseas holiday.'
And of course there were many small things in between.
One day I'll get my motorbike license.
One day I'll go skydiving.
One day I'll get my ears re-pierced (after they closed up)
One day, when I decide what to get and where, I'll get a tattoo.
You know, small things that you think that you could really do at any old time. Until you become immunosuppressed with a new liver. And then you think, should I realllllllllly be doing those things?
Yes, it's my life and I can make the decisions I want, but I don't feel like it is quite just my life anymore. I'm not quite living for two but I feel that taking unnecessary risks is a bit careless and disrespectful. Like riding a motorbike or skydiving. Like putting holes in my body when my immune system is compromised and I will always be at risk of infection and always heal slower than everyone else. I feel like I need to make something of my life. Be useful, do good things - not just everyday good things, but big helping-lots-of-people good things. I need to do something to deserve my new liver.
I can't imagine myself ever going to Bali, Africa, India or any third world country without feeling completely paranoid about germs, infections and dodgy food. I already feel somewhat paranoid about dodgy food in my own house and the thought of germs when I go back to work next term seriously gives me the willies. Now, if I'm completely honest, I never really wanted to go to any of those places anyhow because I am a very fussy eater and a wuss but now that I not-quite-can't-but-really-it's-so-risky-I-shouldn't, I have that childlike tendency creeping around my mind thinking I'm gonna do it just coz they said no. I just can't help it.
I've been thinking of all the things I'm glad I did before I got ill and needed a transplant...
Like paintballing. Paintballing is probably not very good or safe for relatively new livers and sensitive scars.
And climbing the Gloucester Tree all the way to its 72m tall top, by myself. Unnecessary risktaking.
Getting my tongue pierced, also all by myself because no one thought I would do it so I wanted to prove them wrong. Germs and infections.
Going for a ride on the back of a dirt bike over jumps, probably my biggest adrenaline rush ever. More unnecessary risktaking.
Going to Thailand and riding an elephant through the jungle on the back of its neck. Germs, infections and dodgy food.
Five things. There might be more, but nothing is springing to mind currently. Five risktaking adventures is not really very many and I'm a bit sad about that. Not quite regretful, just like that era of my life has passed. I'm sure that there will be many more adventures to come in my life. And really, a liver transplant is quite a risk taking, germ and infection filled adventure in itself I suppose, just not one I would have had on my list of things to have a go at...
What are your 'One day' things or things you look back on and are glad you tried them?