Thursday, 15 December 2011

Fragility


Lovely, complicated wrappings 
sheath the gift of one day more

Breathless, I untie the package - 
never lived this day before. 

Gloria Gaither


A friend sent me this message this evening.  Right when I was feeling the need to escape.  Jump on a plane and fly away from my life, preferably leaving my new liver, a big ugly scar, a dose of leukaemia and big box of drugs behind.

Not asking too much am I?

Lucky I have a wonderful friend who knows when I need her and an absolutely amazing boy who listens to me sob over the phone.  I find it hard when My Rock is away.  I think I have developed too strong a dependence on him.

I also think I've reached the 'why me?' stage.  I just want my old normal back.

I try to hide the tears and anxiety behind Christmas excitement but it still manages to ooze out of the edges.

Particularly at night.


So I will lie under the Christmas tree looking up at the pretty lights and read my friend's message and try to stay positive.  And try to channel sleep.


It is my first counsellor visit tomorrow morning.  Well today seeing as it is 2.30am.  I am apprehensive but relieved all at the same time.  I can't believe I've been through all this and am only finally having access to a counsellor.  9 weeks post surgery today.  Perhaps that explains a few things...
 


5 comments:

CurlyPops said...

Wow what a difference. I can't believe you haven't been offered couselling yet!
I've had pre-tx counselling, and the social worker came into surgery with me and held my hand while I was having all of the prep etc for the false alarm. I was so grateful as it was so scary!
She is there just for lung tx patients and we can call and make an appointment to see her any time.
It's so helpful to be able to talk about it. I really hope your appointment went well!

Michelle said...

Isnt it funny how when we need things the most they are drawn to us somehow, like your friends quote. I hope the talks with the councillor go well for you x

Baa-Me Kniits said...

It certainly does! Life for you is a bit of a roller coaster you are bound to have your ups and downs...its been an awful lot to deal with. Unburden to the counsellor, they have amazing coping strategies. Hugs Jen xx

2paw said...

I hope your meeting with the counsellor went very positively. I think you are having a perfectly normal reaction. Thank goodness for friends!!

kylie said...

I'm sure something resembling your old normal will return eventually. You just need to give yourself time. I hope your meeting was a step towards that. Hugs from blogland. xx