Back then I was in a very bad place emotionally, I was incredibly lonely and had no social group to rely on. I look back now and wonder how I managed for the last 2 years. I was in Limbo. No way to move forward in any way. The thought of going out socially left me shaking inside, anxiety levels skyrocketing. Heart wrenching tears at not feeling capable of conversing with aquaintances, of trying to make new friends. Very low self esteem at my inability to make friends. Was I boring? Weird? Unfriendly? A loser?
Now I am in a better place emotionally, I have friends around me, my family is close by, I have a home of my own with my wonderful partner. My life is moving forward. I have both joined groups and started a group, I do pilates, I try new things, I meet new people. I have been out to places with people I have never met, with people I met at work, with my hairdresser. I have not felt anxious, threatened, incapable or loser-ish. I have made the beginnings of some new friendships. I have accepted invitations and not cancelled last minute. I have enjoyed myself while I was out.
I am learning to deal with a slightly different way of living with this Leukaemia thing. And I am finding adjusting to that, the medical label now hanging over my head and what it means for my future a million times easier than it was to go out and talk to people where I was living this time last year. To me, that says a great deal. Not about me but about where I was. I just did not fit in. It was not me. I can honestly say I tried. I was there for a few months short of five years. The horrible feelings grew slowly as the feeling of lonliness increased year after year.
I am not an emotional wreck from Loserville after all. I have shed that suffocating skin.
I am happy. I am my old optimistic self.
It's good to be back.