Monday, 9 January 2012

I am a hypocrite

A total, utter hypocrite.  I don't think it's deliberate.  I am trying to fool myself too.

Do you do that?  Say something in the hope it will be true while in reality you're not quite so sure.

Positivity will get you everywhere.  Apparently.

So why am I here?  What did I do to deserve leukaemia and a liver transplant?  Yes, I totally understand I am really really lucky to have got a liver.  Really lucky.  I get that.  And I am lucky I have a form of leukaemia that is managable.  Non life threatening.  I get that.  I don't need to be told that.  Life is precious and I am alive.  I am lucky.  And I know I have probably The most perfect man in the world who has stood by me through this whole thing without batting an eyelid.  But I knew I was lucky in him already.  I didn't need this to prove it.  And neither did he.

But why me?  I wasn't one of those horrible bitchy kids at school.  I've always tried to be responsible and kind and considerate.  Sure, I've had my moments of meanness.  I'm not perfect.  But what fucked up thing did I do to deserve this?  Why have I been sitting here crying for the past 7 fucking hours?  Great work on the positivity.

And why do I have to feel guilty about wondering why me when I know I'm lucky?  Why can't I just wonder why me in peace?  Why can't I just be like any normal thirty year old wondering why they aren't married and having babies already?  That was the old me.  Back at 29.  Now I have to wonder how my body is going to cope with new leukaemia drugs.  Which interact with my anti rejection drugs.  Back to three blood tests a week.  Oh, and maybe with my heart as well.  ECG's on order before and after starting meds.  And how the fuck am I going to manage to fast for 3 hours a day twice a day.  I like eating.  Really like it.  And babies?  Well who knows.  Not for at least a year say the hepatologists.  Not until the leukaemia is in remission says the haemotologist.  As soon as possible says the oncology gynocologist.  I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.  Physically and emotionally.

But that's fine.  I'm tough, I can deal with it.  Nothing a cup of cement and a 'harden the fuck up' can't fix right?

Positivity will get you everywhere.

If you can find it.


Wendy Sice said...

Oh gosh, you're going through a rough patch. It does sound bloody unfair. Sometimes I worry when things are too cruisy in my life because I fear what my next trial will be, because I think that's the plan: for us to be given trial after trial to see how we cope. On one of the blogs I follow my new year's wish was to not have anyone sick enough in my family that they would end up in hospital. Well, that wish went to shit, because by the sixth I put my back out and then had very low blood pressure so ended up in hospital for two days! I'm home now, but won't be able to do much for the rest of the holidays. Life just sucks some times.

2paw said...

Dear Megan, what you are feeling is perfectly OK, I think it is like PTSD. You've been in a battle and it will take a while to recover. I hate all the tests and weird poking and prodding too, and being endlessly positive and cheery can be wearing. I think a good feeling-sorry-for-yourself can be called for at times. It is also perfectly possible to hold dichotomous views, two totally opposing ideas, at the same time.
I agree, you are tough, you have made an amazing recovery and new life. For me, I can usually handle the big things, but something small can set me off. Take care.

sarah said...

Oh Megan! I am sending you an email.

Michelle said...

:( Bad stuff happens to good people without any reason at all and it sux big time but theres nothing that you did or can do. It just sux. Sending hugs to you xxx

CurlyPops said...

You're not a hypocrite at all.
Having a life threatening chronic illness completely sucks and having a life saving transplant is amazing. It's no wonder you feel every spectrum of emotion.
I have the same thoughts running through my head.... what the hell did I ever do to deserve this? At the moment, I don't have an answer!

Bek said...

I know I'm late but wanted to chime in with the others and just acknowledge you! I can't read this post and ignore it! I don't think you have done anything to deserve this!! I don't think the world works that way. Hope you are doing ok a few more days on. X

Sally said...

Life is so random hey?
You're not a hypocrite at all. I tell myself and others stuff all the time in the hope it will become a truth. That's being a person. A hopeful optimistic person. Hey - I'd rather be that than a cynic.
I think it is important that you question "why me". Of course there is absolutely no answer but geez give youself a break and scream it to the universe in a demanding tone. You have every reason to be a bit angry with the powers that be.
And as for having a good sob. That's important too. Megan there is so much to come to terms with here - so much to process - it is overwhelming for me to think about and I don't even "get" most of it let alone experience it. Your body and mind has to have some kind of release. Sob away I say... and if you ever need a good crying buddy let me know - I'm always up for a good howl.
Yep. Life sure is random. And lets face it - bloody unfair. I suppose if 2011 taught us anything it is how quickly things can change. Being the optimist, a hopeful dreamer, I'm thinking it means that life can change for the better quickly too. That's what I'm hanging on to for you.

...and know to important things... how is it possible that you've forgetten how to knit THREE times???

Amanda said...

When I go through tough times, as much as i try to stay positive, I find myself wondering 'why me?' too as I feel as though I've had my fair share of crap in my 29 years. You've definitely had your fair share. Hang in there luv. Tough times can only make you stronger xx