Monday, 9 January 2012
I am a hypocrite
A total, utter hypocrite. I don't think it's deliberate. I am trying to fool myself too.
Do you do that? Say something in the hope it will be true while in reality you're not quite so sure.
Positivity will get you everywhere. Apparently.
So why am I here? What did I do to deserve leukaemia and a liver transplant? Yes, I totally understand I am really really lucky to have got a liver. Really lucky. I get that. And I am lucky I have a form of leukaemia that is managable. Non life threatening. I get that. I don't need to be told that. Life is precious and I am alive. I am lucky. And I know I have probably The most perfect man in the world who has stood by me through this whole thing without batting an eyelid. But I knew I was lucky in him already. I didn't need this to prove it. And neither did he.
But why me? I wasn't one of those horrible bitchy kids at school. I've always tried to be responsible and kind and considerate. Sure, I've had my moments of meanness. I'm not perfect. But what fucked up thing did I do to deserve this? Why have I been sitting here crying for the past 7 fucking hours? Great work on the positivity.
And why do I have to feel guilty about wondering why me when I know I'm lucky? Why can't I just wonder why me in peace? Why can't I just be like any normal thirty year old wondering why they aren't married and having babies already? That was the old me. Back at 29. Now I have to wonder how my body is going to cope with new leukaemia drugs. Which interact with my anti rejection drugs. Back to three blood tests a week. Oh, and maybe with my heart as well. ECG's on order before and after starting meds. And how the fuck am I going to manage to fast for 3 hours a day twice a day. I like eating. Really like it. And babies? Well who knows. Not for at least a year say the hepatologists. Not until the leukaemia is in remission says the haemotologist. As soon as possible says the oncology gynocologist. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. Physically and emotionally.
But that's fine. I'm tough, I can deal with it. Nothing a cup of cement and a 'harden the fuck up' can't fix right?
Positivity will get you everywhere.
If you can find it.