Merry Christmas!

 

Hope you all have a wonderful, safe and family/friend filled Christmas!

(with plenty of yummy food!)

 

Go to Shekki

Because they are AWESOME!

Bathers shopping.  I've posted about it before here and how I was dreading it with the massive scar to cover.

I went to one well name bathers shop in Subiaco that has been there for donkeys, those of us in Perth will know the one I mean.  Absolutely shocking service.  So SO bad.  I was in the change room, by myself and without a friend to help assess how dreadful they looked or get different sizes for me, for about 20 minutes and even though the lady had said she would put her head in in a few minutes to see if needed any help, all I could hear them doing was gossiping about this and that.  No interest at all. So cross. And I told them off when I left.  Which I don't often do.

So a lovely friend on FB suggested this place called Shekki which I had actually never heard of.  It is in Kearns Cresent near Applecross Pizza for those Perthites in the know.  Such good service.  They have bells in the change room so you can be left alone but call for help when needed.  Honest opinions from sales assistants, not just recommending the more expensive one.  You can take 15 pairs in at a time if you so want.  SO So SOOOO good. 

And I got a pair.  They are even semi sexy like.  They are tryhard bikinis. Just want I needed.  Just a covering over the middle.  I got them in the black but you can see on the white ones they just look like a bikini from the back AND they have a ruffle over the bum.  Ruffle bum! I always love the baby bottoms you see everywhere with ruffle bums.  Now I have ruffle bum too!  My scar hangs out a bit on the right side where it extends further but that's okay, I can deal with that.  I am happy with them!  And even more I am happy with the fantastic service.  It really makes the experience.

 

left image             right image

Henceforth

  
You know when you have a moment or a word that defines something so essentially that henceforth it is known solely by that word?  If you are anything like me you do.


Stick blenders.  (Stick with me folks, I am getting somewhere with this)


What a dreadful name.

So a few years ago out in Kellerberrin at a dinner with friends, one of my friend's soon to be husband announced that he called their stick blender a 'jooja'.  There was much much much hilarity over this and the hand movements that go with utilising the stick blender as you can imagine in our drunken state.  In fact it would have to be one of the funniest nights of my life. Now 'joojer' is a very hard word to spell because it's pronounciation is quite different.  Friend's husband to be said the 'j' was a bit just the 'zs' in Zsa Zsa (not that I even knew how to pronounce that name before)  but it couldn't be spelt zsoozsa because that just didn't work.  Its pretty hard to sound out phonetically but imagine the 'Ja' in Jacques and keep the J sound but change it to a 'oo' as in book then the 'ja' of jacques at the end.


ANYHOW.


From that day forth, stick blenders became joojas and that is just all there is to it.  It is much more fun to say you must admit.  And of course, it is derived from it's onomatopoeia - the sound it makes as you blend.  I can picture you saying it aloud right now to see if it fits (jooo jooo jooo jooo) therefore, it is a joojer, or a jooja as we decided after much debate as to how it should be spelt.

So.

I did have a point to this topic and it is SMOOTHIES.  Not joojas.  Although you do need a jooja to make a smoothie.  Generally.

via the really small fine print next to the image that I can't read no matter how hard I try

I am bored of toast.  So I have been rocking smoothies.  I am a bit boring and make the same ones each time but I have had a couple of different ones and my favourite changes slightly each time.

Today's smoothie was of the banana variety.  My favourite.  Two bananas, because I tasted it after one and it wasn't enough.  Three ice blocks and a berry antioxidant smoothie cube.  A tub of vanilla lactose free yoghurt (doesn't taste a skerrick different), a spoon of honey, a sprinkle of chia seeds, a sprinkle of flaked almonds (a new addition for today, sometimes its a small handful of oats) and a dash or two of milk (lactose type because the shop hasn't been stocking my lactose free one the bastards).

And it is delightful.  Yesterday it lasted me about 7.5hrs until I felt hungry again, although my appetite in general has diminished a rather large amount.

The other one I have had was one MR's Mum made for me which she cut out of the newspaper because it was lactose free and she thought of me (so lovely).  It is a peach and banana one.  It involves one peach (I went for white flesh), one banana, one cup of apple juice (made it very sweet, next time I would just do one juiced apple) and 1/2 cup of ice.  Yum.

A lady at work was also telling me about one which involves chard, a frozen banana and a pear but I'm sure it had something else in it and I don't remember quantities so I must ask her when I see her after Christmas for a kinaeseologist session.  My first - I'm looking forward to it!


So today's questions....


What's your favourite smoothie combo?

Have you got a funny word for a thing stemming from a particular event that can now longer be known by its proper name?

And

Have you ever had kinaeseology done? Useful?


PS.  I thought of another word of mine.  You know those rubber flat square/round things you use to open jars because you are I am a weakling?  Well, since my teenage years it has been known as "The Man" because one day I couldn't open a jar (a regular occurance, believe me) and I said to my sister (Dad wasn't home) 'where is a man when you need one'  and we scuffled through the drawer looking for something to use to open it and I pulled it out and said 'Oh look. A Man.'  My Dad even calls it The Man.

PPS.  I haven't slept yet.  Apologies for my random crazy waffle.

PPPS. Rescheduled counsellor appointment tomorrow morning. Later this time - 11am.  Must wake up.  Must also go to sleep first...

The Anti Scrooge

This has been me lately, major retail therapy  has been happening since hospital exodus.  I ca just justify it so well and in so many ways...

- I just had major surgery and was stuck in hospital for 5 weeks
- Its the new summer season, clothes updating needed
- I've lost 9kg so nothing fits
- I need to buy myself a Christmas treat (or six, or fourteen)

To date I have bought a blend of bargain and splurge, which is a nice way to go about it I think.  Also a nice way to justify to MR.

I have bought seven tops from Kmart, two pairs of denim shorts (one which is now too big) from Just Jeans/Jeanswest, a Cotton On prettty floral dress which has annoyingly shrunk in the wash just that bit too much than is decent for a respectable young lady (or old lady, or any lady) and a dress from a little boutique in Subiaco which was on sale for $20.  Bargains.

But then I have bought three tops and a black and white spotty dress (now too big as well) from Myer, two pairs of shoes and a beautiful floaty white dress.  Splurge.

And an abundance of Christmas lights.  Because I came very close to not being here for this Christmas, or any other Christmas for that matter and so it has to be big and shiny and twinkly lightsy.  Ideally, if we owned a ladder (MR is intending to purchase one but it has to meet his highly selective criteria before purchase and therefore I cannot go out and buy a cheapy one from Bunnings) I would be wanting decorations on my roof as well.  So it is probably a doubly good thing we do not own a ladder because I'm sure every member of mine and MR's family and MR himself would totally bust my ass if I climbed a ladder onto the roof in my 'delicate' condition (cough-I'm-fine-cough) and also my poor credit card would be looking even more dismal. So instead I have satisfied myself with icicles out the back (hung by MR's dad), lanterns, a Christmas tree shaped (read triangle) array on my sliding door made from a stretchy tube lighting set and some of those very clever 3M removable plastic hooks, a star in the front window, windings of lights around our two pillars either side of the front door, and the Christmas tree itself.  Quite enough to be going on with I think.  Oh. And an arrangement of snowflake lights in our front entry way.  I do love Christmas.  And spending money!

Not only have I gone overboard on myself, I have also gone overboard in every department this Christmas.  Fancy ham from the Boatshed in Cottesloe, express posted cheeses from the Denmark Farmhouse Cheeses which have our very favourite - fromage, a soft ricotta like cheese with onion and garlic.  Oh Yum. (They don't stock anywhere in Perth so ultra decadent getting them posted up in cooler bags) The presents department hasd gone overboard too.  I will regret it when my credit card is over its limit, but right now I am having F U N.

I should take photos but that all seems too hard at the moment and the ones I have taken of my Christmas lights turned out poopy.  So you will have to use your clever and creative imaginations!

It has been my retail therapy today.  I missed my counsellor appointment which I was Very Annoyed about, all my own fault.  I slept through my three alarms.  Woops.  Woke up over an hour later than I was supposed to be there.  Good work Megan.  I've rebooked for next Thursday but needed a pick me up in the meantime.  Hello one new pair of shoes and floaty white dress of Splurgeville.  Ahh yes.  Lovely mood now!
  

Fragility

Lovely, complicated wrappings 

sheath the gift of one day more

Breathless, I untie the package - 

never lived this day before. 

Gloria Gaither

A friend sent me this message this evening.  Right when I was feeling the need to escape.  Jump on a plane and fly away from my life, preferably leaving my new liver, a big ugly scar, a dose of leukaemia and big box of drugs behind.

Not asking too much am I?

Lucky I have a wonderful friend who knows when I need her and an absolutely amazing boy who listens to me sob over the phone.  I find it hard when My Rock is away.  I think I have developed too strong a dependence on him.

I also think I've reached the 'why me?' stage.  I just want my old normal back.

I try to hide the tears and anxiety behind Christmas excitement but it still manages to ooze out of the edges.

Particularly at night.


So I will lie under the Christmas tree looking up at the pretty lights and read my friend's message and try to stay positive.  And try to channel sleep.


It is my first counsellor visit tomorrow morning.  Well today seeing as it is 2.30am.  I am apprehensive but relieved all at the same time.  I can't believe I've been through all this and am only finally having access to a counsellor.  9 weeks post surgery today.  Perhaps that explains a few things...
 

In-law lottery

Mr Rock's parents are staying with me at the moment while MR is away at work and my dad and sis are in Cambodia doing work for Dad's foundation, Aus Assist Asian Development Fund which is currently building a school in a small town near Phnom Pen. We weren't sure if I'd have my license back by now so it was planned in advance.

Initially it was just supposed to be MRs mum, let's call her G, but his dad, M, is down for a few days too (they live in the country about 3hrs away). Initially I was a little nervous about this as while I am incredibly lucky and get on with them really well (in fact, MR has the most awesome family including really friendly and welcoming cousins), I hadn't spent multiple days with them on my own when I'm healthy and definitely not when I'm not feeling the best.

But it's been fine. In fact beyond fine, really great! G has been cooking dinners, making me healthy smoothies and generally trying to put some weight back on me. She is also an exercise fanatic and has been kicking my bum out the door at least every second night for a brisk walk (3 kms today!) which I totally need because I have no motivation or desire to go by myself and it is one of the things I am supposed to be doing for my rehab. We've been chatting and gossiping and shopping and comparing outfits and planning Xmas dinner and everything. She is also a nurse so I can ask her if I have any liver concerns or questions about my scar. And she even understands that I need quiet rest time and heads out on her own to shop or catch up with friends. Honestly. I have really hit the jackpot of (hopefully one day) in-laws!

M has put up some of my outdoor Xmas lights for me and done a huge patch of weeding where I want my veggie garden to be. I feel really spoilt and so lucky to have them because I know plenty of people who can't stand their in-laws!

How has your luck run in the in-law lottery?

Bras, cars and other associated miscellanea

 

New milestones for the week...

- First bra wearing! Of course, having lost about 8 kgs means I've decreased in bra sizes by about a cup and a half so I had to fossick in the back of the drawer for an old smaller one which hadn't been thrown out, thank goodness for lack of organisation!  I have never been a fan of bras so I was happily hanging free for the past few months but lets face it ladies, boobs look way better in bras.  There's just no argument.  (Unless you're a perky 16 year old)

- Today I drove my car for the first time after the all clear from the doctor, the physio and the pain management specialist.  Excellent.  I now feel like an adult again.  I did ruin the sedate adulthoodness of it all by boucning, waving and grinning madly like a loonie to MR who I was dropping off at the airport to go back to work ( :(  )  Independence is a precious thing. 

- Liver gym.  Who woulda thunk there was such a thing?  At the hospital there are gym classes run by the physios for people who have had or are awaiting a liver transplant.  Excellent opportunity to meet others who have experienced it and to get back into shape after the op.  And they want me to go twice a week for a few months.  And I don't have to pay anything.  Fabulous!  My first session was on Monday and I did just fine.  I'm only doing one session this week and next week I have my school's final assembly so I'll only make it to one session next week but after than I plan to make the most of free gym and build up those back muscles so I can get rid of the bloody awful back pain.


So exciting times abound my way.  However, the next thing on my list of things to achieve is not quite so exciting.


Bathers shopping.


Dreadful at the best of times, now it is downright shit.  Unless I want to flash a gimoungo red scar to the world (no thanks) its a bathers onesie for me.  Every pair I have tried on so far (two) has made me feel as though I should have three children under 5 hanging off my leg.  A bit mumsie.  Which is fine for mums, they are very nice bathers with lots of underwire and moulded cups and support.  But I don't really need that.  I still feel I have a few years of sexy svelte bathing attire left in me, especially after milestone number one shrinkage.  I need a size 12 for my hips and my boobs really only want a 10 or less.  And you can't mix and match a onesie.

So I've hit the internet for some inspiration and please, if you have seen any lovely onesies (or tankinis because let's face it, getting a onesie bathing suit on while dry is a bloody challenge so I can only imagine what it will be like when wet) please please send links and shop names my way.  Preferably available in WA!

 

top: 1&2. jets 3. 2chillies 

middle: 1. bond-eye 2. jets 3. seafolly

bottom 1. tigerlily 2. isola 3. seafolly

What bikini, takini, onesie are you rocking this year?  I saw some very pretty bikinis in my searches!
  

Since September...

 

via

... I haven't had a fizzy drink (until tonight, which is what got me thinking about what else has been missing lately)

... I haven't worked

... I haven't had an alcoholic drink

... I haven't driven a car

... I haven't worn a bra (and I'm certainly not complaining!)

... I haven't worn heels, or anything besides thongs and uggies (and clothes of course - no mental images of me swanning around naked except for uggies please)

... I haven't baked anything sweet (which must be remedied soon...)

I'm not complaining, there are many things I have done that have been mini milestones for me.  Just this week I managed to hang a sheet on the line (previously too heavy) and I even put the clean sheets on the bed too. (*gasp*)  It sounds ridiculous I know, but we have a king size bed and it's a sleigh bed so the mattress sits inside the frame and it's bloody heavy.  You have to pick it up to tuck the sheets in and it was hard for me to do before my op so I'm incredibly pleased to be able to manage it again already.


What haven't you done for a while?  Do you miss it?

 

Merry December!

 
The silly season is officially started - not that I am going to be particularly silly.  I have a nasty feeling that when I ask my doctor if I am allowed to have one drink of the alcoholic variety on Christmas Day that he is going to laugh at me and tell me not to be ridiculous, I can never drink again.  A small price to pay for life of course however, I do like to have a drink or two on the odd social occasion.  Cross your fingers for me next Thursday (appointment day)!

Today also marks the beginning of the cricket season.  Ahhh yes.  Quality day time TV viewing, excellent.  I love nothing more than the three C's - Cricket and Crochet on the Couch.  And the best thing?  I can do it allllll December (and January) without feeling guilty because I have no job to be at. 

Last night I stitched in the ends to a stack of crochet stars while watching TV, not cricket but One Tree Hill.  A friend gave me her set of all the seasons to watch while I recover.  I just started Season 1 last night, totally sucked in already.

 

The pink and white ones are going to my sister for her tree and the red and blue ones will be hanging on my tree... decoration day is being held off til tomorrow when MR flies in much to his delight... (where's that sarcasm font when you need it!)

Earlier this week I got outside for some creativity.  It was such a nice day so I got out the paper supplies, cutters, punches, stamps and ink and sat outside making some wrapping paper and gift tags.

 

After experimenting with the glitter I decided to go with the au natural ones. 
Annoyed my punch didn't go through the cardboard of the square ones!

How's the creativity going in your neck of the woods?  I'm anticipating lots of Christmas tree photos!

 

In my garden

  
Since moving into our home in March this year I had been eagerly awaiting Spring and Summer to see just what our garden produced in the way of pretty blooms.  Unfortunately, stuck in hospital, I missed a good chunk of Spring and some of the bulbs and annuals I planted but there's still plenty of colour on display.

Our garden has a lot of Agapanthus... good thing they are pretty!

I have no idea what this tree is but it is amass with blooms at the moment.

 

Pretty coloured berries outside my bedroom window.

 

I'm undecided about my hibiscus... keep or remove?

 

The last of the snapdragons

One slightly sunburnt rose.

 

And a Meow decidedly peeved over having her photo taken, this was the photo with the least grumpy expression...

Farewell Spring, hello Summer!

 

This week I'm grateful for...

 
...time.



- Time to spend with family.  Seeing as I can't drive at the moment I have been relying quite strongly on my family to take me to appointments.  MR was doing it while he was home but he is back at work now so we can actually have some money coming in.  So my Dad and sister have been taking turns ferrying me about and staying overnight just in case.  Dad and I have been spending some father daughter Lego time, something we haven't done since I was about 12 perhaps? (My Dad is a HUGE Lego fan so we grew up with loads of it) We've begun working on his birthday present from 2 years ago, the Taj Mahal.

 

We're unfortunately stuck at this point because even though we've both searched through all the pieces twice, we can't find the piece we need.  The box says there is only one of that piece as well.  Sigh, I remember Lego building now... back to hunting.  Either way, it's been nice to spend a bit more time with family.

- Time to myself.  I'm slowly getting past the feelings of laziness at being home and off work for the past two and next two months.  So long as I am semi productive most days of each week I hope to escape the guilt of being home earning no money while MR busily works 13hr+ days.  Time to myself is lovely though.  Lots of reading, relaxing, napping and lots of creative crafting plans in the works...

- Time to heal.  I'm very grateful that I don't have to go back to work in a hurry and am able to give my body time to heal.  It's a slow process this scar healing but my doctor's are pleased with my progress and recover so far.  My weekly blood test and doctor's appointment have now been moved to fortnightly and my liver function tests are almost normal, hooray!

Happy 200 + 1-th gratefuls Maxabella!

 

Taking shape

The mojo is beginning to trickle back in...

The pink granny blanket has progressed a bit more.  I'm joining it using this method found on Carina's Craftblog but I've changed it just a little bit in an attempt to have less ends to sew in afterwards.  I have to join the two rows next, that will be the test to see if my altered method has worked or not....

 I made some of these Christmas stars to hang on the tree last year and my sister has put in a request for some for Christmas this year - in pink and white of course.  And I'm making some more red ones for me. 


I'm off to Spotlight this arvo with my voucher to stock up on Christmas supplies.  I've got my list almost ready and hopefully I'll come back with a big bag of mojo as well!


More inspiration and creativity here.

 

Hunting for my mojo

Usually at this time of the year I am flat out with reports and end of year school stuff.  Christmas is looming and I want to do so much Christmas crafting but I just don't have the time.  This year is a bit different however.  I am home, I have all day, every day free (bar a few doc appointments per week), I have no children to look after, my time is my own.  But I'm struggling to find the crafty mojo.  Or any mojo at all really!  It's been ages since I've blogged and yet I haven't been busy.  My days are currently spent couching with tv or a book or napping seeing as I'm still not sleeping properly at night. 

My recovery is going well, I can move around easily and do pretty much everything for myself, so long as I don't have to do it for a long period of time.  This week I have been trying to get into a bit of a routine, which hasn't really worked so far!  My aim is to do three half hour blocks of 'work' each day and at least one hour of crafting.  'Work' will be things like household jobs, unpacking the last few boxes in the study/spare/junk room, filing, tidying and arranging the craft room, gardening etc etc.  Today I did two loads of washing and watered the garden in the evening.  Two blocks of 'work' is better than the none I did yesterday right?

In the crafting department however it is even more dismal.  I haven't done anything since Sunday's Brown Owls meeting.  The pink granny blanket has begun to take shape, the first row is joined! I should be inspired by nearing the end of that, but I'm not really.  So today I went hunting for some Christmas inspiration to get my mojo back.  I got that ever so hard to resist $40 off when you spend $100 voucher in the mail from Spotlight and so I've been making a list of things to buy tomorrow when I tell Dad he is taking me to Spotlight after my hospital appointment.  Lucky Dad spending father daughter time in a craft shop! (I'm not allowed to drive yet)

This year at the top of my list is a wreath to hang on the front door.  I really want a wreath.  And I'm not paying $60 for one.  I'm sure I can make one for much less.

 

1 - 2 - 3 

4 - 5 - 6

7 - 8 - 9

Of course, then there is the decision of what type to make.  I like all of these, particularly the button one (middle left) which I've had saved in my inspiration folder since last November.  I also like the idea of a natural one similar to the top left but with ribbons, trim and bells.  And I'd probably need to buy a base for that because I have no idea how to make one.  The cookie cutter star wreath is just adorable but it would get lost hanging on the fly wire door.  Don't wreaths look so much nicer on a nice wooden door than on fly wire?  And the gingerbread one is great but very impractical in summer, unless I made it just for the day?  Decisions can be so hard!


What Christmassy thing is at the top of your list to make this year?

Y......A......W.....N

 

via weheartit

Since being in hospital I haven't been able to sleep for longer than 3.5 hours at a time.  And that was only once. Most of the time I am waking up every hour or two.  To begin with it was because I was drinking so much water and I kept needing to go to the toilet, then it was because I was in pain.  Now, even though I am drinking less in the evenings and am on stronger pain meds I still wake up very regularly.  Sometimes I can pin point the reason - need to pee, uncomfortable, in pain, MR snoring too loudly, need to cough (and therefore need to sit up, I've ended up with a very chesty cough from my hospital stay and coughing is not a fun thing with a new scar, new liver and sliced open rehealing muscles).  Sometimes I am woken up by MR, on purpose, because I am having a nightmare and making loud noises.  I don't know if this is from the pain killers, from my recent experiences or left over toxins in my brain.  It's not fun though.  Sometimes I just wake up.  For no apparent reason.  I am only sleeping really really lightly, half of the time it feels like I am just dozing and still fully aware of movements and noise around me.

It sux.

I am SO tired.

I have tried napping, not napping, lavendar oil on the pillow, extra pain killers, staying up until tired and only going to bed then, going for a long walk (2km in 30 minutes, I'm still recovering after all).  Nothing is helping.  Poor MR is exhausted as well because more often than not he wakes up if I do, especially if I'm coughing or having a nightmare.

Today I spent the entire day in bed, reading a book and resting.  I had a nap from 12 - 1.20 but still woke up 40 minutes into the nap.

Of course, now it is 11pm and I am wide awake.  Tired, but nowhere near sleep.  I sent MR to bed a few hours ago so he could get in a small block of sleep without being woken up by me.

I really am over it, I've been home almost 3 weeks and apart from the one night with a 3.5 hour block (I was so excited) there has been no relief.

I know I spent just over a month in hospital being woken up for obs fairly regularly but surely my body hasn't developed such a strong habit from that.  I'm over it.  I really really am.

I don't want to take more medication but I'm at the point where I think I'm going to ask about sleeping tablets at my check up on Monday if nothing improves over the next two nights.

Any suggestions are very very welcome!

Two more days

 

image via weheartit

Just two more days and it would have been too late.

Yesterday my Mum told me that she was talking to one of my doctors with MR after my operation and he told her that my liver was so badly damaged that if we had to wait another two days for a donor liver it would have been too late.  He likened it to a skeleton leaf, apart from one very small section that was still semi-functioning, all that was left of my liver were the veins.

Shit.

I had no idea it was that bad.

The days leading up to the operation are missing, lost in the fog as my body and brain attempted to cope with rising levels of toxicity that my liver could no longer handle.  I couldn't tell you what day or year it was, when my birthday was, I could barely remember any details about anything.

I have a fragmented memory of the one of the nurses coming in to tell me that they had a liver for me and then of us trying to call family and MR to let them know.  I couldn't remember any phone numbers and it was very early in the morning.  No one was picking up their phones.  I remember being really stressed that I wouldn't see MR before surgery.  The doctors were worried because I wasn't allowed to sign the forms for the surgery (due to state of brain confusion) and no one had arrived yet to sign them and they wanted to take me to theatre.  I remember asking every person I saw if I could have a drink of water (no) just a small sip? (no) can I just wet my mouth? (no).  I remember being so relieved when my Dad and MR arrived.  And then I wanted my sister.  No one had phoned her.  Oops.  I only have vague snippets of going into the operating theatre and hardly anything of being in intensive care recovery afterwards.

I think I am quite grateful for not really having these memories.

I am definitely grateful for my family and MR and his family who do have the memories and had to deal with all the stress of me being very sick, juggling work, life and managing to fit in practically daily hospital visits for over a month.  I am so very lucky to have them.

There is also immense gratefulness to MR who has taken carer's leave and has been looking after me since I got out of hospital.  The first few nights I woke him up practically every hour for assistance in getting up and out of bed so I could go to the toilet.  He has been cooking me dinner, washing dishes (his pet hate), washing clothes, inspecting wounds and scars, changing dressings, going for very slow walks up and down the street with me and many many many other things, all without a single complaint. 

And I am tremendously neverendingly grateful for my donor and their family for giving me the gift of life.  Words cannot express quite how honoured and lucky I feel.

Finally, I am grateful for the excellent team of surgeons, doctors and nurses who looked after me.   I am quite sure I was a fairly dreadful patient at times, although I would like to blame the toxicity in my brain and resulting confusion for most of it.  I took in five dozen Krispy Kreme donuts (bought through a fundraiser my Dad did, we don't have Krispy Kremes here in WA) to the ward last week when I had a check up to say thank you to everyone.  You don't realise quite how much nurses have to deal with until you are stuck in a hospital bed, unable to do anything at all for yourself. 


More gratefulness over here.

Decisions, decisions

One of the things I packed when getting ready for hospital was my crochet.  I thought, excellent... a few days of rest and recovery and lots of time to crochet, I'll get heaps done! Unfortunately this was not the case and apart from on the first day in I did no crochet at all.  Oh well.  

When I got home I went to grab my hook and wool and just sat there staring at it, unable to remember what I was supposed to do.  I couldn't even remember how to hold the hook.  Thankfully, it has all come back to me and I have spent a few hours in front of the TV with my hook.  

I'm so close to being finished with all the squares of the pink granny blanket, I decided to lay them out and work out a pattern.  I would love to do a higgeldy piggeldy one but my mind craves patterns and would just not cope!

I also had to make a decision on a final colour, I had started off with a coral pink but my sister wasn't a huge fan and it looked a bit too orangey next to the pinks so I found another pale pink ball I hadn't used and began a square in that to help me decide.

 

The coral colour option (bottom right corner)

 

The pale pink colour option

I love how taking a photo makes it so much easier to see colours and patterns.  Easy decision, the pale pink.

Then, I was looking through my craft room for some pins and came across one more square I'd missed.  This was even better because from the pattern above I had a few left over squares that I somehow ended up with odd numbers of.  Goodness knows how but there you have it.  And so now I had two more matching.  And ended up with this pattern, which I like even better.

 

And it also means I only have just over one more square to go! 

I'm hoping the joining up process goes a lot quicker than I'm imagining it will take in my head...

Check out more creativity over here.

Reality

Reality = lots of drugs

When I was told I was going to have to have a liver transplant my first thoughts were about how I was going to have an organ from a dead person put inside me.  Charming way to put it I know, but that's where my head went.  I have a bit of an issue with dead things, they freak me out quite a lot.  So the thought of someone else's liver becoming mine took a fair amount of processing to get used to.  (I have complete and total respect to the person who I received it from and their family, thank you wherever you are - without your amazing generosity I would not be here right now) I still haven't 100% come to terms with it, it all happened incredibly fast and there was not a lot of time for processing of any information.  Even less so because I was also suffering from hepatic encephalopathy which basically means the toxins in my body that my liver would normally process were floating around everywhere including in my brain, making me very confused and quite a bit crazy. (A whole other post worth of craziness, believe me)

So when my sister came in to visit and I told her I was going to have to have a dead person's liver (I have since been banned from referring to it in that way, not helpful for me to adjust and disrespectful to my liver donor), her first comment was 'You're going to have a big scar!'  Now weirdly enough, or perhaps not given my state of confusion, I had not even thought about this part of the process.  But she was right.  I have got a scar. A really, really, really big one. And I really do not like it at all.

MR has been amazing.  Like, truly unbelievably wonderously amazing.  Through it all.  There is no way I can express how lucky I am to have him in my life.  I have had a bit of a cry to him about it and feeling unattractive and being worried that he will find it gross and unattractive also.  He assures me this is not the case and most of the time it is as if he doesn't even notice it.  The only times he does is to comment on how well it is healing (really well, all healed over now apart from one small bit).  To be entirely honest, when I have my top off to put the Bio Oil on he is much more interested in what else is on display (as you can imagine, it's been a while!) 

I know I should be proud of it.  It is a badge of honour of what I have been through.  But since getting the last of the staples out on Monday (Yay!) and being able to see it properly without any metal things hiding it, I have become a bit obsessed with it.  I religiously Bio Oil it twice a day, very gently massaging it each time.  I look at it in the mirror and try to associate it with being a part of me.  It doesn't seem like it belongs there. I had a normal looking tummy one day and the next a giant upside down T in its place.  I want my old tummy back.  It was a bit on the pudgey side and I wasn't really keen on it but in hindsight, oh it seems so perfect!  (This new me has also lost 8kg.  I haven't been this weight since I was about 19.  Small silver linings are shining through.)

So, I've decided to be brave, and perhaps a little bit out there (in more ways than one) and show you a photo of it.  Not because I want you to say 'Wow it looks great, you can barely notice it' or anything like that because that would just be a big fat lie.  More because I need to come to terms with it being a part of me.


(Apologies if you're squeamish, perhaps just close the screen now without scrolling further!)




Some background information...

Apparently the liver is the largest organ in the body, something I certainly wasn't aware of before now.  It lives up under the ribs on the right hand side which explains why they had to make such a big cut.

The two half healed holes below the scar are where the drains were after the surgery.  The one on my right was stitched up but the one on my left wasn't so once it heals I'll have quite a thick scar.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask...

Here's one I prepared earlier

Before I went into hospital I was doing a craft course with Jemima from Tied with a Ribbon and Claire from Claire Turpin Designs.  The course was a Christmas one and although I missed a couple of the dates due to being sick, I still managed to make it to the first two classes where we made some pretty bunting and a Christmas stocking.  And I even managed to finish them!

 I couldn't find any Christmas fabric that took my fancy so instead I made some bunting for my craft room, which is slowly showing some signs of order again after a visit from my incredibly helpful organisational sister.

My family still does Christmas stockings each year but the last few years we have been using Christmas pillow cases which ends up in a extremely overboard sized stocking! This year I am going to make each member of my family a stocking and limit the amount of junk food that can be crammed into the stocking, saving us all a bit of money and being a lot healthier as well!

Seeing as I can't go back to work this year I have all this free time ahead of me! I'm hoping I use a fair chunk of it doing crafting and making some handmade Christmas presents for family and friends.  Unfortunately the no work means the money side of things will be a bit tight for a while, until my income protection kicks in (if you don't have this I strongly strongly strongly advise that you look into getting it, you never know what your health is going to do!!) I am looking forward to the challenge of managing my money though, I've always been quite bad at it so hopefully this will help me learn to save and manage what funds I do have a lot better... fingers crossed anyhow!

I'll be looking for a Christmas meme to sign up to, surely someone has started one? I need to get motivated if I want to get things made and finished!

Massive Changes

So I'm back.  A whole new me with a whole new liver.  Slightly crazy? Yes.  In fact, really crazy if you ask me.  It's been a bit of a whirlwind few months for me and I'm still waiting for my head to catch up.

My medication I was on for CML had an extremely bad reaction with my liver, causing it to go into failure.  Unfortunately it was too late to do anything about it except put me on the waiting list for a transplant.  I was incredibly lucky and got one quite quickly.  It is very surreal to be woken up by nurses saying "You're getting a liver!" and then having to ring family to tell them.

This is a very very brief overview post, just to catch you up.  As I get my head around everything I'm sure there will be some amusing hospital anecdotes and succinct posts about life after liver transplant.

In the meantime though, it's great to be home, alive and semi healthy.  And with lots and lots of spare time on hand for crafting, resting, reading and relaxing!

Seven Things

  
I was lucky enough to receive a blog award a while ago from the lovely Michelle at Jarrah Jungle.  She is the bargain queen and ultimate home renovator, I am always in awe of what she is achieving with her own two hands (and her partner's)

So in an effort to get away from all the doom and hospital gloom I've been experiencing this week (still in, first signs of liver improvement today with the help of some intravenous steriods) I thought I would finally reply.

Thanks Michelle, just what I need, something light and airy!

So now I have to let you know seven things about me that you might not already...

- I dont really like football but I do love the footy show, looking forward to sitting down and watching the Grand Final show in a few minutes!

- My eyes were blue when I was born but now they are green.

- I don't like having mismatching pegs hanging up my clothes so I buy bags of the same colour.

- I 'flavour schedule' certain foods so I have little stacks of each flavour ready to go (for example, a mouth of bacon, topped with egg, topped with grilled tomato, all planned neatly so I have enough right til the very last bite).

- I was a bit of a 'raver' in my younger years and still love kicking up my heels to a bit of drum n bass.

- There have always been cats in my household right from the moment I was born, bar 6 months when I moved to the country and my cat had recently passed away and I wasn't yet ready for a new one.

- My first job was in a fruit and vege shop which I was the best because I am a huge fruit lover and used to put away all the best quality stuff I wanted early and got a nice discount on it.


Now I'm supposed to tag seven bloggers to share their seven things but I think you are all fantastic and my brain power is about at it's limit at the moment so if you feel like sharing some facts about you, consider yourself tagged for the sweetest blog award!

 

Love

I am truly truly blessed with the most amazingly wonderful caring loving man in my life.

MR, Mr Rock, who has always been my rock but has been really outdoing himself in the rock department since my diagnosis, decided that being at work while I am in hospital was highly uncool and took some time off and flew in early, all without telling me. 

On Sunday night I finally finally hit that wall that I have been cautiously tiptoeing alongside since the end of March.  Up until the throwing up began I had been pretty positive about being diagnosed with CML and fairly confident that I could carry on my life as normal.  With this hospital admittance and my results continuing to go up, Monday night saw me having a good old cry at about 2am after unsuccessfully trying to get to sleep for a few hours and being madly itchy from the jaundice (I am a delightful shade of yellow, particularly my eyeballs)  Of course, after the cry I felt a bit better and finally got to sleep at about 4am after an SMS to MR (who was on nightshift) saying something along the lines of 'This sux. Stupid liver. Stupid head won't turn off. Stupid mutant blood.*'  The next morning at about 11, MR sticks his head around the hospital door!  Instead state of mind fix!  We'd already had a discussion about how I could just say if I wanted him to come home but I told him unless I was seriously ill I wouldn't do that and there's not much he can do for me while I'm in hospital anyway.  I have issues with becoming burdensome to him.  But I am SO Soooooo glad he came home.  I feel very very loved.

Last night I got transferred from Hollywood Private Hospital to Charlie Gairdner's to be on their liver ward under the care of a team of liver specialists because my results were still going up.  Some of the numbers were over 1000 times higher than they should be.  Today I was lucky enough to experience a liver biopsy in a very novel way - through a vein in my neck.  They were concerned about my blood not clotting very well and a chance of haemmorhage if they went through my side so through the vein in my neck they went.  Not the most pleasant of experiences to say the least.  Thankfully I got a double dose of twilight drugs and local anaesthetic. 

Today's blood tests showed some of the numbers were dropping a little bit which is good news, hopefully there will be a bigger drop tomorrow.  Also hopefully the biopsy shows no signs of liver failure, only damage.  Lots of fingers and toes crossed because I would really like to just go home and spend some time soaking up some love from my boy. 

Now that is the best medicine my liver, and crazy stressed and anxious brain, could ask for.





* mutant blood because my disease involves a translocation of chromosone 9 and 22, essentially meaning my DNA/blood has mutated. Or if not really, that's what we've taken it to mean.  My sister and I call each other 'Poo', short for Poobum, however I am now 'X-poo' (X derived from XMen)
 

This week I'm grateful for...

It's been a while between posts for me and an even bigger while between grateful posts.  Unfortunately my mind has been a bit stuck in the 'this sux' and the 'i feel like shit' disposition but finally there is some light!  The reason I have been feeling so dreadful is because my liver is injured, possibly due to my medications.  I went to the doctor on Wednesday to have a whinge about throwing up every day since Saturday so he ran some tests and on Thursday night I got admitted to hospital.

Where is the gratefulness in this you ask?  Well, the relief! I am not a whinging hypochondriac after all! There actually was something wrong.  Plus, I am off all meds while my liver recovers so no taking tablets for a few days and no more nausea and throwing up.  YAY! You would not believe my excitement at this idea last night.  It was a little ridiculous.

Of course, if it is the Glivec doing this to my system it means I will probably have to come off it and go on to some other not so wonder-drug-ish meds with a whole new list of side effects which are apparently more common to experience.

But that's to worry about later, for now I will just be grateful for...

... being right when listening to my body tell me something is not right


... a break from nausea (I would like to say an end, but that might just be jinxing myself)

and

... a week and one day early start to the school holidays.  Even though I can't do any crochet because they've stuck the canula in my inner elbow (they couldn't get a cooperative vein on the back of my hand/wrist) and that means I can't bend my arm...


This week's gratefulness post is being hosted by Lioness Lady, go and pop over for a visit for more love of the small parts of life.

  

Silver Threads of Whinginess and Tiredness

is what my blog seems to have reinvented itself as lately.

This weekend was what most people would probably call a fairly quiet one but in my current world classified as a bit of a busy one.  I went to bed early on Friday and slept half of the day Saturday, getting up in time to eat some toast and read for a couple of hours before getting ready to head down to to Dwellingup for our belated Father's Day Hotham Valley dinner train ride.

Sadly, it did not live up even closely to my anticipations.  I tried to keep in mind that it is run by volunteers but when the rest of the carriage (bar 3 tables) was a loud 40th and our table with a party of three got an extra previously unknown person from the big party sat at our table with us (?!) when we were trying to have a nice family dinner it was a bit weird.  Added to the fact that it was $77 per person and the main course roast beef was that really thinly sliced roast beef stuff that you buy and heat up and put in roast beef rolls, essentially cold sliced meat from the deli section of the supermarket that had been warmed up.  Not so impressed.  I certainly wouldn't be able to recommend it to anyone.  I reverted to childhood on the way back and slipped off half of my seatbelt in the back seat and lay down and dozed for the hour and a half trip back to Perth.

Today I slept in again, got up and had more toast and read for a couple of hours until it was time to get ready for Brown Owls (except I fell asleep on the couch and ran a bit late).  I started and almost finished square 27 of 30 in the pink granny rug.  I'm glad I went but I really would have been just as happy snoozing on the couch.

I think I have reached that point of exhaustion where I am just going through the motions.  I go to work, I pretend to be perky and energetic for the students for a few hours, come home and bomb on the couch.  I am getting through each day by counting down to the weekend so I can just sleep.  I'm sure that's not really what weekends are supposed to be about.  Blogging has gone out the window a bit, my life feels very boring and I am now too tired to even be tired of being tired.  It is all a bit ridiculous really.

I contacted the Leukaemia Foundation who mailed out some stuff about their support groups.  Which seem to be very few and far inbetween and are on weekdays during the day time.  Helpful.  And I joined the CML Alliance from a flyer in my medication packet who sent me out a booklet filled with photos of people with grey hair enjoying life playing lawn bowls (because I have an old peoples disease and so most of them are old)  They gave me details of a nurse I can ring to ask questions.  But only on Monday to Friday from 8.30 - 4.30 EST.  Seeing as I am not going to get up at 6.30am just to make a phone call to ask a question this is also fairly unhelpful.  And my specialist never called me back after I phoned to leave a message for her to call me after my eye bled.  I'm feeling a bit invisible. 

Two weeks until holidays.  The countdown til school holidays is my mantra at the moment.  Until then I might be a bit absent from my blog unless something interesting happens in my life (unlikely).  I'll still be around living life through reading your blogs though!


Oh.  The reason for this post, other than to let those people who asked me to let them know about the train ride was to say that my giveaway winner is Wendy from A Beautiful Day.  Congrats Wendy, I'll email you to get your details.
 

A reminder (or two)

Brown Owls is on this Sunday at the Bayswater Family Centre (cnr Crowther and Murray St, Bayswater) from 2 - 4pm.  It's a free crafting session so you can just bring whatever you are working on and a gold coin towards hall hire.  If you're going to come and you're new please feel free to just turn up (after leaving a comment here to let me know you're coming).  We'd love to see you there!  I bought some lovely wool from the Bendigo Wool Mills for the first time so I'll be continuing to work on the ever slowly progressing pink granny blanket.  Only 4 more squares to go before joining up time!!  If you want more info about our Brown Owls group and are on facebook, search for Perth Brown Owls to join us.

Second reminder, last chance to enter my giveaway which will be drawn on Thursday.  Not many entries so far so you've got a good chance of winning!
 

Coincidences

For my birthday, my birthday buddy at school brought in a delicious homemade pavlova with strawberries and passionfruit and cream and it was just delightful.  She brought in the pavlova on a very very cool old pavlova plate that had the recipe in the middle and you bake the pav on the plate in the oven and serve it up on it too, great idea if you ask me because moving a big pavlova can sometimes be a bit tough.  I oohed and ahhed over the plate (and the pavlova) and my workmate told me that she had been gifted the plate when she was 16 and had been using it ever since.  She'd be in her 50's now.

A couple of weeks later I was heading off to do my food shopping and peered in the window of my local oppie as I went past, only to see a plate exactly the same sitting on a shelf!  Well, I raced straight in and picked it up for just $5, as well as a couple of pairs of old knitting needles for a dollar each.  What a lucky coincidence that was!  I haven't used the plate yet, will have to find an occasion to make a pavlova soonish though!

For more op shop treasures head over to Her Library Adventures and if you haven't yet, head over here to enter my giveaway!

  

Childhood birthday cakes

As a child, I loved perusing the Women's Weekly Birthday Cake book each year as my birthday approached, choosing which cake I might like Mum to make for me that year.  Once we were old enough it became a bit of a tradition in our house to choose which cake we wanted for our birthday.  I never wanted chocolate, it always had to be a butter cake.

Birthday cakes are getting fancier and fancier these days.  Plastic icing on a child's cake just doesn't sound like a fun cake for a child (in my opinion).  Butter icing is where it's at!  Unfortunately my Mum got rid of that very special WW Birthday cake book, something I was very upset over as I had a deep desire to inherit it!  Luckily, MR's Mum has a copy that she still uses for her one grandchild.  I'll  have to put in my dibs on that copy.

Here's my 4th birthday cake, the first one I came across when hunting for photos to share.  Those little silver cachous balls used in the necklace were the best.  I loved sneaking into the pantry and pinching a few to crunch away on.

Other cakes I can remember having are the swimming pool, the piano, the witch and the cat.  Many happy memories.

I'd love to see a photo of a birthday cake from your childhood.  Leave a link in the comments if you post about it!


PS. Don't forget to enter my giveaway!
  

It's GIVEAWAY time!

Finally.

So much for my birthday giveaway, originally planned for almost three weeks ago now!

But it doesn't matter because a giveaway is good at anytime... right?!

Up for grabs is a block of milk chocolate from the Margaret River Chocolate Factory, a bag of organic coffee from MR's favourite coffee brand (I can't vote because I don't drink it) Yahava Koffeeworks (also of Margaret River), a menu planner/shopping list note pad - perforated for easy planning and shopping, a set of salt and pepper shaker babushka dolls, a little purse mirror with a beautiful illustration by The Nebulous Kingdom and a Belle and Boo fabric swatch with attached pin.  There may also be a couple of other surprise crafty goodies in the pack as well if I get my act together in time!


To enter, be a follower and leave me a comment by midnight (Western Australian time) on Wednesday 14th September.  For an extra entry do a post about my giveaway and let me know via the comments.  Make sure I can email you and let you know if you've won!

I will post to anywhere in the world!


Happy entering :)

Signs of Spring

  
Today after the rain stopped I decided I really should get back out in the garden to continue on with the neverending weeding of the bindi bindi which is trying to take over our back lawn.

No!  I say.

I managed 6 buckets of weeding (procrastinating from school work that really should have been done instead), still many more to be done though!  I'm actually enjoying it somewhat, it's quite satisfying to see the lawn clear of weeds in patches.  The sunshine is just lovely as well.  Fingers crossed it doesn't get too hot too early this year like it did last year!

When MR is home later this week have planned a big garden overhaul on the weekend.  Hopefully I still have some energy left to get some work done... I have a couple of fruit trees that need planting.  An apricot and and orange - housewarming presents from my Dad.  But lots of things need clearing before I can put them where I want them.

 Pretty blooms on the apricot but should I be snapping them off so that the tree puts the effort into growing rather than blooming?

 

My itty bitty navel orange tree

And some lovely jonquils flowering in my front garden

 

Do you know some good gardening blogs for me to start reading?  I want to learn how to make my garden beautiful and lovely all year round!

 

It was meant to be...

I often have moments in life when I look back and realise that something that happened or didn't happen was meant to be because it led me straight to now.  I am not religious at all but I do have some tentative beliefs that there is something out there watching over us.

I've been doing the same lately in regards to children.  Ten years ago if I had seen my future and realised I still didn't have kids at the age of 30 I would have been most upset.  The last few years I have been feeling clucky and as if that little timer in my ovaries is ringing loud enough to wake anyone.  But not now.  Now I am realising that it was meant to be.  I am happy to wait a little bit longer.

If I had children I would not be able to have laid in bed all day today in my pyjamas with a book and my computer.  I would not be able to have peanut butter on toast for dinner without feeling guilty.  I would not have been able to head down to the ED the other night without having to rely on family or friends assistance.  (I'm sure they would have been happy to give it but I hate asking for help.)  I would not be able to spend time being quiet and relaxing and sleeping in and reading and not worrying if I haven't picked up the mess off the floor.  I wouldn't be able to afford a cleaner either because no doubt if I had children I would not be working.  And my cleaner is currently my godsend.

On the other side of the coin, of course I'm sure I would be managing just fine if I did have kids but I'm no longer hearing that timer buzzing loudly at all.  I'm quite happy to be able to spend my time just taking care of me.


Do you feel the same?  That life has a vague path set out for you and that sometimes certain things happen for a reason?
  

More medical dramas

I am not sure I like this new blogger set up.  I am finding it very very different from the old one and a bit hard to drive.  I'm sure I will get used to it though. 

Today I am having a day at home after going to brush my teeth last night, looking in the mirror and getting a big scare because half of my eye was red.  Not a good look.  Seeing as eye bleeds are on my list of side effects that I must seek immediate medical advice for, I rang MR who rang his Mum's friend who is a nurse (I couldn't ring his Mum who is also a nurse because she is off in Africa climbing Mt Kilimanjaro).  She said to go to the nearest ED.  Oh yay. So off I trotted with a book to the hospital at 10.30pm. 

Now, it seems a little extreme to go to hospital for something that can happen when you sneeze violently (which I hadn't done) but seeing as I was home alone we decided it was probably best to be sure.  The people at the hospital were very nice and didn't make me feel silly for coming in.  The doctor tried to put in a canula to take some blood.  After five minutes of poking and prodding my arm she gave up on that arm and tried the other arm.  Unsuccessfully.  So she called a nurse to try.  He was very rough and made me cry and also was unsuccessful.  (In my vast experience of two male nurses and one male dental nurse I have found them all to be not at all gentle.  I am developing a bit of a thing against them.  How prejudiced of me.)  So they called another more experienced doctor who thankfully got it in first try.  Stupid veins.  Taking blood from my veins is usually tricky as they are very fine and slippery and don't like coming to the surface to be found but that's the first time it's taken four goes to get it in!!

They moved me to the observation ward to wait on the results after parking me and my trolley next to a sign that said 'Do not leave trolleys in this space'.  I thought this was a bit funny and wanted to take a photo but my arms were to sore from all the poking around and I know you're not supposed to use your mobile in the emergency department.  By this time it was about 2.30am as well and I was feeling a bit overtired, teary and anxious so I had a somewhat hysterical giggle to myself and tried to rest.

My blood test came back alright.  They were concerned my platelets were low which apparently has something to do with coagulation. But seeing as that was all fine I got to go home, thankfully with a medical certificate for today because I didn't get home until just after 4am. 


So, this week I am feeling grateful for..


- everything being okay (apart from an ugly red eye)
- not getting a parking ticket for parking in a 1hr zone at the hospital for 5 hours
- another long weekend
- woolworths online shopping (I'm trying it for the first time) meaning I hopefully don't have to get out of my pyjamas or leave the house until Sunday for Father's Day.  But I'm only grateful for it if they deliver everything properly and it's good quality fruit, veggies and meat.  Finger crossed.
- 4 weeks til school holidays.  Bring. It. On.



And hopefully tomorrow I will actually take a photo of my little stash of giveaway prize items and actually post up my giveaway like I promised to about 2 weeks ago.




PS.  Thank you for all the caring messages on my last post.  I called the Leukaemia Foundation today and left a message for someone to call me back.  Small steps.
 
 

Something's missing

 

via weheartit 

  

 

My blogging mojo is on the blink a bit lately.  Life feels a bit repetitive and my vitality is a bit drained.

I am on the whole feeling a bit blah.  

My tiredness has disappeared enough to mostly feel normal, except when I do something.  Heaven forbid.  I manage work okay for the most part but my weekends need to be nice and restful.  Doing something on the weekend leaves me needing a weekend to recover.  And by doing something I mean going out for dinner and having one drink and being in bed by 11.  Or walking around a street market for a couple of hours.  Ridiculous.  This illness is supposed to be manageable and I am supposed to be able to lead a perfectly normal life and no one is supposed to even be able to realise there is anything wrong with me.  Why am I not able to achieve this?  My specialist is not at all concerned by anything I am experiencing and I am left feeling lazy because I am feeling tired and blah and something that describes the feelings of confused/hypochrondiac-ish/annoyed-because-I'm-ill-but-don't-look-ill-and-therefore-can't-reap-the-benefits-of-sympathy .  How incredibly fucked up is that?  Yes, I'm ill and yes I look normal and yes it's great that you're treating me normal but I want someone to realise that I'm incredibly tired and everything is getting way toohardbasket on the two weeks I am home by myself.  (On the one week MR is home he is being super rockish as always and doing LOTS for me and being entirely understanding of everything and encouraging me to relax on the couch while he makes dinner each night)

I don't want to blog about feeling blah though, or about my meds for some reason causing side effects that are starting more than three months after beginning them.  This is not how it is supposed to happen.  After three months the side effects are supposed to disappear, not begin.  Namely a blotchy and (thankfully) nonitchy rash across my tummy and sides that my specialist thinks is caused by my drugs and not to worry about it.  But it's ugly!  I feel unattractive and Blah.  And then there's the occasional throwing up after taking my tablet so violently that that I burst the blood vessels in the skin around my eyes and have little red dots in a mask across my face for the next 24-48 hours.  Specialist's suggestion?  Take anti nausea tablets an hour before you have your medication.  Go and get this brand that is available over the counter.  But wait.  It is not available over the counter which means I have to go to the doctor and spend more money just to get a script written out. *Sigh* And I don't feel nauseous until after taking my tablet and not every day but I don't know what causes it so I am going to have to take it every day which seems like unneccesary drug taking to me.  But throwing up your dinner on random nights is not cool. And even uncooler is stupid burst blood vessels coupled with blotchy rash making me feel super unattractive and BLAH.

But.

I don't want to blog about that.  And I don't want this blog to turn into an account of my life with Leukaemia because I am more than that.  Eventually. 

I am trying to keep in mind that there are so many people out there worse off than me.  That a rash and occasional throwing up is not going to kill me.  That my drugs are doing the job, even though my body is rebelling.  That I don't have to have chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant.  That really I have nothing to whinge about. 

Because I don't.

But boy do I want to.

Note: If you got this far, well done and apologies.  This was not the post I started out to write but it turns out it was the post that needed to be written.  Perhaps it's time to actually ring the Leukaemia Foundation and find a support group?